A Lionheart

"Be strong Marina. Keep strong."
That is what everyone tells me. And have been telling me.
I am not sure that is what is the best.

People have also always told me
"You are so brave Marina!"
"You are so mature for your age"
"You are so free, such a free spirit!"

Why are you so free?

And I still can't answer this questions. I don't feel very brave. Or free. What now that means. But I would say that maybe the answer to why people think I am this brave. And maybe free.
I think that the answer to this is that I just look on things differently than other people might do. I am not brave, or at least not braver than anyone else.  And free, I don't even know what that means. I am free in the way that I am free to make my own chooses and that is what I am doing.
Maybe my chooses are in some peoples eyes brave, because I do things that common people in my age might not do. But my answer to that is that it isn't because I am brave, because I am just as scared, terrified sometimes, as anyone else. But I choose to look up on it in a different way. It is a must, it is just something I have to do, to rescover all of this things that I want to see.
And as Jonathan once said to "Skorpan" in the book "The Brothers Lionheart" written by Astrid Lindgren.
"If I do not do this I wont be anything more than a little filth"
And I guess that is what keeps me going, that and my stubbornness.


I do not know what is the best to do. Or what I really want.
Sometimes I just wish to be back in Sweden this instant. But in the same time, what would I do there? And as well.. it will be winter in Sweden soon. And God knows I have seen to much winter for awhile I do not wish to go through another one after doing two allready. Even if the winter in Argentina is lovely short and more like a long autumn in Sweden, has it been terrible cold, and I am so longing for the warm and sunny days and nights, the flowers and the green.

But soon soon comes the spring and thte warm sun and more happy days with this. I know and I Love and I See and Embrace.

Thank you Dad for letting me see and enjoy the beauty of the nature, to trust people for who they are. For trusting my instinct for what is right and what is wrong.
Thank you for being with me in my heart,


I miss you.

Argentina, and all those things that I will learn from you

It is like a day like this, when the sun is shining and I have all the time in the world I can hear the crickets doing there sounds, rubbing their little legs together, the birds calling on each other. This is what I call love. To feel free in the moment.

I want to grab time. I want to stop in the moment of eternity. Infinite, forever.

I need to wash my hands. Wash from the filthy hands that has been muddering them. What am I. I am thinking of Sweden. Of all the people that I love. What I will tell them when I meet them again.

What I will tell them when I am holding them in my arms again.

What am I when I am alone.

What are we when we are alone.

I thought that we all where just windows, mirrors of each others pictures. I am, what you see in me. I am.

But without anyone, without the eyes of another human being, telling us who we are. Who am I than?

What am I than?

Do I exist without, anyone giving me the right to exist.

Some people have God. That tells them they exist. What do I have?

I know there is something. There has to be something that is me.  I would like to trust. The last years I have not been able to write diary. I have only been writing letters, I think it is because I needed the confirmation from someone to tell me that I do still exist. I needed or I need proof. I need someone to see me. Can I not only be seen by me?

I have meet a handful of people here that all have been talking about this, this last year have been all about this.. it is like life, some spirit, God or what ever is trying to tell me something. I do not know if I actually do believe in this myself. But I think I do.

I need to accept the person that is me.

I would like to face my fears. I am ready or at least I think I am. But how do you do. How do I do.

It is so warm, my hair is so red. I am full of eternity. I have blood on my hands. I am afraid. Again. I am afraid. Of what. Of love. I do not want to be alone. Again.

I am afraid.   

I am afraid that actually there is no one who really cares about me, if I exist or not. That my life is meaningless to everyone. Anyone.

Why do we exist. 

It is probably nothing to be worried about. Just to trust like always. Trust.

Why is it so hard to trust.

I smile because I think about you.

And you are the most beautiful person in the world. And I am so happy that I meet you.

Fantastic. Maybe it is that easy. That we only need. That.

Love.