Circus world of wonder

Argentina, and all those things that I will learn from you

It is like a day like this, when the sun is shining and I have all the time in the world I can hear the crickets doing there sounds, rubbing their little legs together, the birds calling on each other. This is what I call love. To feel free in the moment.

I want to grab time. I want to stop in the moment of eternity. Infinite, forever.

I need to wash my hands. Wash from the filthy hands that has been muddering them. What am I. I am thinking of Sweden. Of all the people that I love. What I will tell them when I meet them again.

What I will tell them when I am holding them in my arms again.

What am I when I am alone.

What are we when we are alone.

I thought that we all where just windows, mirrors of each others pictures. I am, what you see in me. I am.

But without anyone, without the eyes of another human being, telling us who we are. Who am I than?

What am I than?

Do I exist without, anyone giving me the right to exist.

Some people have God. That tells them they exist. What do I have?

I know there is something. There has to be something that is me.  I would like to trust. The last years I have not been able to write diary. I have only been writing letters, I think it is because I needed the confirmation from someone to tell me that I do still exist. I needed or I need proof. I need someone to see me. Can I not only be seen by me?

I have meet a handful of people here that all have been talking about this, this last year have been all about this.. it is like life, some spirit, God or what ever is trying to tell me something. I do not know if I actually do believe in this myself. But I think I do.

I need to accept the person that is me.

I would like to face my fears. I am ready or at least I think I am. But how do you do. How do I do.

It is so warm, my hair is so red. I am full of eternity. I have blood on my hands. I am afraid. Again. I am afraid. Of what. Of love. I do not want to be alone. Again.

I am afraid.   

I am afraid that actually there is no one who really cares about me, if I exist or not. That my life is meaningless to everyone. Anyone.

Why do we exist. 

It is probably nothing to be worried about. Just to trust like always. Trust.

Why is it so hard to trust.

I smile because I think about you.

And you are the most beautiful person in the world. And I am so happy that I meet you.

Fantastic. Maybe it is that easy. That we only need. That.

Love. 

This is how my legs looks like after a class of mano y mano (hand to hand or duo acrobatics) and than a little video from a stormy night in Tigre, Buenos Aires.

T

Everyday life in Argentina

Det är såhär det känns, sähår det ska vara.

This is how it should feel, this is how I feel. I know so little, but anyway so much. We are all very strong. Very sensitive. 

Every day life in Argentina. 

Everything here is so different from Europe and still so much the same. Its autumn now, but the flowers are still in bloom.

There are nothing really called recycling here. There are starting up, people who have their own compost, and more healthy thinking, with less meat are also growing bigger. In my school the nutrition thinking are very big, but still there is a lot of people eating a big amount of meat every day and drink large amounts of soda drinks, like coca cola.

But they who lives in houses like me, put their cartons aside from the normal garbage (and the garbage you put in a little basket that sits on a tree) because every now and than there comes people on horse rides that collects them, what they use it for, nobody knows.

I have meet a lot of wonderful people here. And what occurred to me the most is the hospitality of the people here. Most of the people I have meet here are so generous, opening themselves, and try to help you in any case they can. What ever problem you have, you will always find help somewhere!

I am training almost everyday, Monday to Saturday, which is really nice. I have probably never been this well trained ever before. And the teachers are really good and push you to your limits, until you can’t do it anymore. But in the same way its all about passion, and everyone who go to this school are there for a reason and we all help out on each other. In the practise everyone is the teacher and we teach each others, which also is a good way of learning. There is always such a good spirit around the school.

Another thing with Argentinean people they always share, if not a maté, a package of cockies, a fruit, if you look hungry there is almost certain soon someone there to give you something to eat. If you are around people that you know a little bit of course, maybe not on the street from a total stranger, but that could probably happened as well, I suppose.

To be a girl in Argentina is also very interesting, almost everywhere you walk there is someone shooting after you, honking at you, or something similar. As I still do not master the Spanish fully, I still don’t understand what they are saying me, and I try not to look to many men in the eyes when I’m walking on the street, just to avoid things like that.

But in the end I am really enjoying myself here. I am very happy that this dream came true. I think its not before now, when everything suddenly starts to settle down and make sense, that I really understood that I am actually really here!

I am in f*cking Argentina! And I am doing this. By myself and I training circus, I have meet so many wonderful people, and I will get to know more before this year is finished, and I am starting to get to know a whole new language..

WoW!

Thank you wonderful world, for giving me the opportunity to make all of this happened! I still fully believe that everything you want can come true as long as you believe –

And never stop believing!

Big hugs and kisses to all of you!

<3

And we continue as we where, and are always the same.

Varsamt nu, försiktigt. Måste lära om på nytt, måste ta det, andas. Andas och släppa taget. Jag har gjort det förr. Det går att göra igen- jag vet jag känner igen. Jag tycker om att andas. Att finnas att tänka. Jag gör det långsamt. Jag håller din hand i min. vi håller varandra. Vi älskar. Det tar ett tag. Utanför fönstret vaknar livet, hundar skäller i fjärran. Solen glittrar försiktigt i utkanten av mina ögonlock. Jag hade tagit dig för givet, men inte idag.  Den gula klänningen känns sidenmjuk mot min bara hud. Jag vill skriva om mig. Jag vill tala om mig.

Jag ligger här. På en säng. I mitt. Rum. Med ett fönster. Det vetter ut mot en trädgård, och sedan en annan trädgård och sedan en annan en annan en annan. Vi öppnar fönstret. Släpper in ljuset, släpper in luften. Mina armar värker lite. Andas.

Måste komma ihåg att andas. Utanför skäller hundarna. Beskriva med ord. Röra mig med ord. Varje dag. svenska är inte längre mitt språk. Jag har tappat bort språken. Längtar efter att hitta det nya, uttrycka mina känslor på deras sätt, med deras ord, med deras ljud. Vill förstå och bli förstådd. Vill andas.

Längtar efter tystnaden.

Efter lugn i själen. Har hittat själsfränder att vila ögonen i. vill lära mig,

Älska.

Tappa mig i orden.

Tappa mig i någon annan. Våga älska

Vara mig.

Det är mörkt, utanför, inuti. Men det är ljust också. Blodet strömmar till. armen vaknar långsamt det känns som att livet strömmar igenom den, kallt. Handen mot hjärtat. Måste ha tålamod. Lära mig.

Andas.

Vi är tysta.

Jag tycker om tystnaden. Låt oss hålla andan tillsammans. Låt oss hålla handen mot ögonlocken. Mjukt viskande. Dina andetag. Rör vid mina. Hålla varsamt.

Snart kommer nya ansikten. Jag vill bara vara i tystnaden.

Tystnaden inuti.

Andas. 

-----english translation-----

Gently now , gently . Have to learn all over again , have to take it , breathe . Breathe and let go. I 've done it before . It is possible to do again - I know I recognize. I like to breathe. Should be thinking . I do it slowly. I hold your hand in mine . we hold each other. We love . It takes a while . Outside the window waking life, dogs barking in distance. The sun shimmer gently on the edge of my eyelids . I had taken you for granted , but not today. The yellow dress feels soft against my bare skin . I want to write about me . I want to talk about me .

I lie here . On a bed. In my . Room . With a window. It looks out onto a garden , and then another garden and then another another another . We open the window. Let in the light, let in air. My arms aches.

 Breathe .

Must remember to breathe. Outside the barking dogs. Describe with words. Touch me with words. Every day . Swedish is no longer my language . I have lost languages. Longs to find the new , to express my feelings on their way , with their words, with their sounds . Want to understand and be understood . Want to breathe.

Longing for silence.

After the peace of the soul. Have found soulmates to rest eyes in. want to learn ,

Loving .

Drop me in words .

Drop me into someone else. dare to love

Be me .

It's dark , outside, inside. But it's light too. The blood flows to . arm wakes slowly it feels like life flowing through it, cold. The hand against heart . Must have patience . Teach me.

Breathe .

We are quiet .

I enjoy the silence. Let's keep the spirit together . Let's hold hands on the eyelids. Soft whisper. Your breath . Touch mine. Keep with care.

Soon, new faces. I just want to be in silence.

The silence inside.

Breathe .

One month. We like to believe.

"One day we will all be the creatures that created us

one day we grow up

to be those who we are supposed to be,

one day we need others to tell us what is necessary for us to grow

we need to be told

we need to hold on

we need the need.

I need you

Det snurrar I mitt huvud jag kan inte förklara vad det är. Jag vet inte heller om jag har lust att veta det är så mycket som händer. Jag ramlar runt i cirklar, jag tappar greppet jag ställer mig upp igen. Jag har många hundra kärleks förklaringar till dig som du aldrig kommer få höra. Mitt finger värker för jag brände det på ett lock som var för varmt. Jag hör vinden utanför mitt fönster, är det samma vind som blåste dig i ansiktet när du cyklade i morse. Kan vinden färdas så långt, hur lång tid tar det för vinden att färdas över havet hela vägen till dig. om jag kastar en flaskpost i havet, får du den då?

Snart alldeles strax måste jag gå. Jag måste packa min väska, jag måste bära min kropp och röra mina fötter ovanför jordskorpan. Idag är inte en sådan dag idag är en sådan dag när jag mest vill ligga under en bar himmel, och bara vara jag vill gråta rakt ut i himlahavet. Jag vet inte varför. Jag vet inte varför mina tankar ramlar ut såhär idag. Jag vet inte varför orden tappar fäste i gommen varför jag inte kan hålla din hand.

Jag har så långa ben, de kan inte hålla uppe sig själva de ramlar hela tiden. jag vet inte varför. Jag måste hålla i någonting. Jag famlar i mörkret, går i cirklar, såsom du pratar. Du sa cirklar, att vi rörde oss, rör oss i cirklar, är det fortfarande så? Vet du vad, jag älskar dig. jag tänker på dig. ofta.

Nästan varje dag-

Ibland glömmer jag bort att tänka

Då leker jag istället.

Då ser jag allting nytt och glatt och vackert. Och jag uppslukas av alla de här vackra. Nya själarna.

Kanske är det bara mitt sätt att fly på. kanske flyr jag hela tiden från mig själv.

Vem är jag.

Hur slutar jag att fly. Hur ska jag våga. Hon sa jag vill se hela din själ-

Jag tänkte, har du inte redan sett den?

Om inte då vet jag inte hur jag ska visa dig.

Du måste kanske hålla min hand

Ha tålamod

Jag är inte så liten som jag verkar"