Argentina, and all those things that I will learn from you

It is like a day like this, when the sun is shining and I have all the time in the world I can hear the crickets doing there sounds, rubbing their little legs together, the birds calling on each other. This is what I call love. To feel free in the moment.

I want to grab time. I want to stop in the moment of eternity. Infinite, forever.

I need to wash my hands. Wash from the filthy hands that has been muddering them. What am I. I am thinking of Sweden. Of all the people that I love. What I will tell them when I meet them again.

What I will tell them when I am holding them in my arms again.

What am I when I am alone.

What are we when we are alone.

I thought that we all where just windows, mirrors of each others pictures. I am, what you see in me. I am.

But without anyone, without the eyes of another human being, telling us who we are. Who am I than?

What am I than?

Do I exist without, anyone giving me the right to exist.

Some people have God. That tells them they exist. What do I have?

I know there is something. There has to be something that is me.  I would like to trust. The last years I have not been able to write diary. I have only been writing letters, I think it is because I needed the confirmation from someone to tell me that I do still exist. I needed or I need proof. I need someone to see me. Can I not only be seen by me?

I have meet a handful of people here that all have been talking about this, this last year have been all about this.. it is like life, some spirit, God or what ever is trying to tell me something. I do not know if I actually do believe in this myself. But I think I do.

I need to accept the person that is me.

I would like to face my fears. I am ready or at least I think I am. But how do you do. How do I do.

It is so warm, my hair is so red. I am full of eternity. I have blood on my hands. I am afraid. Again. I am afraid. Of what. Of love. I do not want to be alone. Again.

I am afraid.   

I am afraid that actually there is no one who really cares about me, if I exist or not. That my life is meaningless to everyone. Anyone.

Why do we exist. 

It is probably nothing to be worried about. Just to trust like always. Trust.

Why is it so hard to trust.

I smile because I think about you.

And you are the most beautiful person in the world. And I am so happy that I meet you.

Fantastic. Maybe it is that easy. That we only need. That.

Love.