Chile, circus, friends, spring, birthday celebrations, house animals, home and me

If I only shaved my head...

english lower down

Normalitet.

Rätten att känna sig vacker att må bra i sig själv, i sin kropp. Den rätten är viktig och borde vara någonting som är tillägnat alla.
Det finns många som säger att inte älska personer av samma kön, att inte vara bekväm i sin kropp, att vilja vara någon annan är fel, är något sjukligt. Någonting som inte är
Normalt

Jag trivs med min kropp, för det mesta. Jag har inga problem med att bli namngiven som en kvinna, jag är stolt över att vara kvinna.
Men jag är inte stolt över den värld som vi lever i.
För det är inte varje dag jag trivs med att se ut och vara den jag är. Men det handlar inte om att jag inte är bekväm i min kropp, för jag älskar min kropp. Utan för hur andra bedömer den.
Bedömer den och ger den namn och uttryck, innebörder jag inte står för. Jag är kvinna, jag har en kvinnas kropp men jag vill inte bli behandlad på det sätt som kvinnor idag blir behandlade.
Jag vill inte bli behandlad som en kvinna! Jag vill inte få höra att jag är snygg på gatan, jag vill inte att folk tafsar på min kropp, jag vill inte bli sist uttagen för att bära tunga saker, jag vill inte bli sedd förbi när det kommer till komplicerade båt prylar så fort det finns en mera tillgänglig man i närheten.
Jag vill inte bli bedömd för hur jag går klädd.

Och ändå blir jag det.

Jag har alltid varit intresserad av konst. Men de senaste åren har jag börjat fundera på hur jag ska göra för att fortsätta med det jag gör men utan att bli utnyttjad på grund av mitt kön.
Att vara kvinna och konstnär betyder att du får extra inbjudningar till tillställningar, enbart på grund av ditt utseende och ditt kön. Allt för ofta finns där gömda intentioner. Jag vill göra konst, jag vill kunna använda min kropp för att jag vill och till saker som betyder någonting, jag vill att människor ska börja öppna ögonen för vad det egentligen är de ser.
En människa.
Inte ett kön.

Inte ett sexobjekt.

Jag är inte intresserad utav det.

Ofta funderar jag på om jag borde raka av mig håret, om människor skulle se på mig på ett annat sätt. Om det skulle ge mig en annan form av respekt. Eller om jag började sminka mig med jättemycket svart runt ögonen, och bära tuffa nitar och döskallar på kläderna, skulle det ge mig respekt?

Men det är ju inte jag?-


Eller vem är jag. ?

Är bara så trött på att vara den lilla söta.

Är trött på att bli bedömd efter mitt utseende.


Trött.



-------------------------------

Normality.

The right to feel beautiful feel good in themselves, in their body. The law is important and should be something that is dedicated to all.
There are many who say not to love people of the same sex, not to be comfortable in her body, wanting to be someone else is wrong, something is sickly. Something that is not
normal

I feel comfortable with my body, for the most part. I have no problem with being named as a woman, I am proud to be a woman.
But I'm not proud of the world in which we live.
For it is not every day that I feel comfortable with the look and be who I am. But it's not about that I'm not comfortable in my body, because I love my body. But for how others perceive it.
Assess it, and gives the names and expressions, meanings, I do not stand for. I am a woman, I have a woman's body but I do not want to be treated in the way that women are treated today.
I do not want to be treated like a woman! I do not want to hear that I'm attractive in the street, I do not want people paws on my body, I will not be the last outlets to carry heavy things, I do not want to be seen past when it comes to complicated boat gadgets as soon as it is a more accessible one nearby.
I do not want to be judged for how I go dressed.

And yet, I get it.

I have always been interested in art. But in recent years, I started thinking about how I should do to continue with what I am doing but without being exploited because of my gender.
Being a woman and an artist means you get extra invitations to events, simply because of your looks and your gender. All too often there are hidden intentions. I want to do art, I want to use my body because I want to and things that mean something, I want people to start opening their eyes to what it is they see.
A human.
Not a sex.

Not a sex object.

I'm not interested about it.

Often I wonder if I should shave off my hair, if people would look at me in a different way. If it would give me a different kind of respect. Or if I started to wear make up with a lot of black around the eyes, and wear tough studs and skulls on clothing, it would give me respect?

But that's not me? -


Or who I am. ?

Am just so tired of being the little cute.

Am tired of being judged by my appearance.


Tired.

A Lionheart

"Be strong Marina. Keep strong."
That is what everyone tells me. And have been telling me.
I am not sure that is what is the best.

People have also always told me
"You are so brave Marina!"
"You are so mature for your age"
"You are so free, such a free spirit!"

Why are you so free?

And I still can't answer this questions. I don't feel very brave. Or free. What now that means. But I would say that maybe the answer to why people think I am this brave. And maybe free.
I think that the answer to this is that I just look on things differently than other people might do. I am not brave, or at least not braver than anyone else.  And free, I don't even know what that means. I am free in the way that I am free to make my own chooses and that is what I am doing.
Maybe my chooses are in some peoples eyes brave, because I do things that common people in my age might not do. But my answer to that is that it isn't because I am brave, because I am just as scared, terrified sometimes, as anyone else. But I choose to look up on it in a different way. It is a must, it is just something I have to do, to rescover all of this things that I want to see.
And as Jonathan once said to "Skorpan" in the book "The Brothers Lionheart" written by Astrid Lindgren.
"If I do not do this I wont be anything more than a little filth"
And I guess that is what keeps me going, that and my stubbornness.


I do not know what is the best to do. Or what I really want.
Sometimes I just wish to be back in Sweden this instant. But in the same time, what would I do there? And as well.. it will be winter in Sweden soon. And God knows I have seen to much winter for awhile I do not wish to go through another one after doing two allready. Even if the winter in Argentina is lovely short and more like a long autumn in Sweden, has it been terrible cold, and I am so longing for the warm and sunny days and nights, the flowers and the green.

But soon soon comes the spring and thte warm sun and more happy days with this. I know and I Love and I See and Embrace.

Thank you Dad for letting me see and enjoy the beauty of the nature, to trust people for who they are. For trusting my instinct for what is right and what is wrong.
Thank you for being with me in my heart,


I miss you.

In the darkness the mysterium appears

Back on track !!

So I am here again after three strange but good weeks in Sweden I am back in Argentina. The first days was really terrible, because I suffered from really hard homesickness that I didnt thought would be possible.

My body felt like it was made of iron and I couldn't get the hand on anything. I just did not want to do anything. Just lie in the bed and sleep, cry and do nothing. I was just so tired and only the thought of going up in some trapece was just ridicoulus.

But after my first class since I came back here, in the silks wish I realized is what I actually really want to focus on in the circus practise, I don't care if it is really common or the thing that everyone use, I just love being up there, so who cares what other people think?

Aerial in general is what my heart goes fast for. And to combine this with performance art, with dance, and maybe theatrical elements are my dream.

That is What I want to do!

(and a bunch of other things of course, I am a multicoulored artist, but in the world we are living it is almost a most to make a living, hey?)

Well, so after my first class and some endorphins later, I started to see things in color again. And life didn't seem that miserable anymore. And this morning, I went out for a run, bought that adapter that makes me able to charge my computer again so that I can write this post, and watching some of the recent news on facebook I came across my aerial teacher in Ireland and she had put up a video on her website that really made my heart go faster and THAN I realized, why the hell the reason was that I came here!!

Because I love this, and I want to make art, I just want to practise as well. To get the strength and maybe some inspiration to make my own work. To find others that loves the same thing..
So here I am, in Argentina, far from everything, but still in peace and with love all around, doing my thing. What I want. With a purpose again. I just have to make it happen!!

Life is to short to wait for, just grab it and start living.

http://emilyaoibheann.com/

Its ok.

it hurts its like itchy spiders crawling all over
your dead eyes are haunting me

its ok.
of course i mean its ok
and i am very happy that you do not feel anything
no pain
no nothing
but i do not feel
anything
anymore

its like a year have gone
its like i am living in a dream
its like so strange
its like not real
its like nothing is real
anymore

its raining and i just do not want to go up from my bed
i just want to stay inside my shell forever

i do not want
to do
anything

i did one thousand
sit ups this morning
but i do not
feel
anything

but i think it is ok.

and at least it is summer

Acrobatics, everything on the same street, making saurkraut.